compromise

People say relationships are about compromise.

But i've been single for seven years. Seven years of taking care of myself, not having someone to cuddle, to soothe and calm me, to hold me and say everything is alright, not having a shoulder to cry on. But also seven years of absolute independence, of doing things my way, as and when I want, no compromises, expecting nothing and giving nothing. I'm not sure I know how to compromise anymore.


That, or I've just forgotten how relationships work, given my only one relationship and began nine years (almost a decade!) ago and ended seven years ago.

I can't remember if it's normal to be uncertain, alternately angry, frustrated, upset, at the beginning of the (non-)relationship: uncertain of how much he likes you, his degree of commitment ; angry that he's not responsive enough ; frustrated that you can't get through to him, that you can't talk to him when you want to because he's busy and the both of you don't have a habit of texting or calling ; upset because he doesn't seem as keen to spend time with you as you think he should be.

And I'm not sure if it's normal, this feeling of ambivalence that I sometimes have towards him, this funny thing that we have on. Which is not quite a relationship, because that sounds too formal for what we're having. And yet we've agreed not to see anyone else (and he's apparently turned down two girls who asked him out, saying: "i'm seeing someone" even before we "formalised" this funny thing of ours) and we're kissing etc.

I'm not sure what is more important:
> that we have fun when we're together and are genuinely fond of each other
> that at the crux of it, we share similar values (we've both ranked "love" and "freedom" as our top 2 most important things in life, but in different orders, due to different definitions) ; or
> that I like travel-cycling and he doesn't
> that I'm not sure we fit into each others' lives (I struggle to understand his friends' funny regional english accents and i'm not sure i'll fit in with his very english crowd, i'm not sure he'll be comfortable with my entirely expatriate/foreign crowd of friends)
> that we're not necessarily making sufficient effort to fit each other into our lives
> that he's quite sceptical and we have quite different views on other stuff, and he's probably too strong-willed and independent (too much like me) for my preference

I guess I'm unhappy only when I fall into the trap that The Boy had said was my big problem: that I expect too much. Then I had compromised / sacrificed (without being asked to) and expected the same from The Boy, when he had not asked for me to compromise and was not wiling to do the same. So now I don't compromise, but am upset that he's not willing to compromise either.

I say to him, you don't have to come cycling with me if you don't want to. But I want him to want to be with me enough that he would rather cycle with me then not cycle without me. And I'm sad that he'd rather stay in London doing something else this bank holiday weekend than be with me. What is the point of a relationship then if we're both going to be as independent-minded and separate as before?

Maybe the way to be happy is to, most of all, forget that I had given up Frenchie for him (that breeds constant resentment), and take it easy, and make like we're just friends who enjoy each other's company who happen to be physically attracted to each other as well. I guess my grouch is that if we're not going to progress to be a real couple, then I'd rather not be tied down by this commitment not to see anyone else.

but i will try to be patient and give it time. i'll make a decision in july...

"i don't want it to be random"

as of yesterday, i am now officially seeing someone.
SJT and i "formalised" our friendship/relationship/dating in leicester square tube station.
yeah... very romantic location, i know.

the importance of having my own private bathroom

I am loving my ensuite bathroom and the privacy it affords me to do all the hundreds of little crucial things that we girls need to do to make ourselves look beautiful. It was a real struggle in the past... hopping/catching/ferrying/dripping between my room and the bathroom, trying not the hog the bathroom, and avoid being caught in a state of undignified deshabille.

I had a conversation with my colleagues once about the policy of having separate marital bedrooms/bathrooms... and found it shocking and unfathomable that so many people wanted separate bathrooms, even above wanting a separate bedroom. I didn't understand this European concept of toilet privacy. I was used to the very Asian extended family, barrierless paradigm which did not recognise the concept of personal space within the family, especially between man and wife. What's your is mine and vice versa. Communal property and space. At least, that was my perception, although my mom always locked her door when she dyed her hair... which is actually very European... (and come, to think of it, my mom and dad slept separately for many years too)

But it's funny how, with time, I'm beginning to understand that need for private, personal space. I'd very much like to keep a part of me separate, to keep some little secrets so that I will always be mystically and magically beautiful for my man. Not that I'm expected to be perfect in all ways of course since I am only human. But I want him to see the shiny, sleek and sexy lines of the sportscar, not the engines, the oil, grease and mechanics that go into creating and servicing the sex on wheels. How different it was from the days when I used to happily barge into the bathroom with my then-boyfriend on toilet, chatting in blithe oblivion.

On occasion, I suddenly notice these subtle, almost imperceptible differences that have crept up upon me over my seven years in this little cold grey island of mine - not only my attitude towards beauty/personal space/privacy, but also how I've become more reserved, less fidgety and gesticular, requiring more alcohol to lubricate social situations etc.

Cavé had once remarked how one of our mainland chinese colleagues had changed dramatically over the couple of years she had been in the bank: from being a really almost loudly offensive person who shoots her mouth off randomly... to someone who did that less (although she still has very limited concept of what is appropriate or not to talk/ask in public), and whose dress sense improved dramatically, albeit from a very low base.

I had asked him if I had changed much. He thought for a while and said: yeah you have, less than [other colleague] but yeah you have a better concept of privacy now etc. and the changes are less dramatic in you. I don't think he was being entirely just polite, since I don't think I was that much of a basket case.

But I have become more groomed over the years and more European... in a way that Cavé can perhaps identify with more. He says he doesn't understand Asian people and thinks we're all crazy.

I am now deeper in limbo then, than I have ever been. Not Asian enough for most Asian people/Asian-enthusiasts, too (surprisingly) Asian for some Europeans who know me and think of me as essentially European, but with yellow skin.